Good Enough Is More Than Enough — What Your Child Actually Needs From You
In a world of perfect parenting pressure, life coach and love life strategist Michelle Shahbazyan offers a grounded, compassionate guide to what your child actually needs from you — presence, calm, and love — and how to give it even on the hardest days.
Close your eyes for a moment and go back.
You are seven years old. Maybe six. Maybe nine. You are small, and the world is enormous, and the person you need more than anyone else on this earth is your parent.
What did you want from them?
Not the vacations or the perfect birthday parties. Not the grades or the lessons or the right neighborhood. What did you actually, at your core, want?
To be seen. To feel safe. To know that when you walked into a room, their face lit up because you were in it. To be held when things were hard without making them harder by falling apart yourself. To know that no matter what happened at school, no matter how badly you behaved, no matter how inconvenient your emotions were — they were still there. Still warm. Still yours.
That is what your child wants from you right now.
Not perfection. You.
The Permission You've Been Waiting For
In the 1950s, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst named Donald Winnicott introduced a concept that has quietly been giving parents permission to breathe ever since: the good enough parent.
His research — built on observing thousands of children and families — found that children don't need perfectly attuned parents. They don't need someone who gets it right every single time, who never raises their voice, who never misses a cue, who is endlessly patient and always available.
What they need is a parent who is present and responsive enough. Research following Winnicott's work has found that being in tune with your child's emotional needs as little as 30% of the time is sufficient for healthy attachment. The other 70% — the fumbles, the repairs, the "I'm sorry I snapped," the moments when you tried and missed — those are not failures. They are, in fact, exactly what teaches children that relationships are imperfect, repairable, and safe.
Perfection doesn't build resilience. Repair does.
And yet — here is the part Winnicott didn't say but needs to be said — good enough is not a pass to be checked out. It is not an excuse for chronic emotional absence or for letting our worst moments become the daily weather of our children's lives. Good enough means you are genuinely, consistently trying. It means you show up more than you disappear. It means that when you miss the mark, you come back.
Good enough is actually a very high bar. It just doesn't look the way Instagram told you it would.
What a Child Actually Hopes For
Before we talk about strategy, let's stay here for a moment.
Think about what it feels like to be a child. You are completely dependent on another person for your sense of safety, your understanding of the world, your belief in your own worth. You have enormous feelings and a brain that hasn't finished developing yet. You don't have the words for what you're experiencing half the time. You can't regulate your emotions on your own — you are literally borrowing your parent's nervous system to do it.
When you are upset, and the person you depend on gets upset too, it is terrifying. When you are overwhelmed, and your parent becomes more overwhelming, there is nowhere safe to land.
What a child hopes for — in the moments that count most — is someone who does not need them to be okay in order to be okay themselves.
A child hopes for a parent who can hold the storm without becoming one.
They hope that the face that greets them in the morning is warm. That the voice that calls them to dinner is not carrying the tension of the whole day. That when they do something wrong, the consequence doesn't come with emotional weather that lasts for hours. That when they are scared, the person they run to is actually a safe place to land.
They are not asking for a saint. They are asking for a regulated, loving, present human being who keeps choosing them even when it's hard.
You can be that person. Even on the hard days. Let's talk about how.
Short Reminders for the Moments That Test You
These aren't inspirational quotes to read once and forget. These are anchors. Read them. Write them on a sticky note. Come back to them when the day is winning.
→ Your nervous system is contagious. When you are calm, your child's brain begins to calm. When you escalate, theirs does too. You are not just responding to the situation — you are setting the emotional temperature of the entire room. Take the breath first. Always take the breath first.
→ They are not trying to make your life harder. They are having a hard time and don't know how to say it. Behavior is communication. The tantrum, the defiance, the meltdown — these are not personal attacks. They are a child's underdeveloped nervous system saying I need help regulating and I don't have the words. Lead with curiosity before consequence.
→ Remember what it felt like to be small. When your child is crying over something that seems trivial to you, remember: to them, it is not trivial. Their emotional world is enormous and their perspective is limited. That's not immaturity — it's being a child. Honor the size of their feelings even when you don't understand them.
→ The moment always passes. Your response stays. Ten seconds of losing your patience can echo in a child's memory for years. Not because you are a bad parent — but because children are wired to remember emotional moments with their caregivers. Slow down. The mess, the argument, the inconvenience will pass. The way you handled it is what they carry.
→ You don't have to perform happiness. But you do have to manage your own emotions. Your child does not need you to be in a good mood. They need you to be regulated. There is a difference. You can be tired, sad, or stressed and still be gentle. You can be human and still be safe. What they need is for your internal state not to become their emergency.
→ Connection before correction. Every time. When something goes wrong, lead with relationship first. Get on their level. Make eye contact. Be curious. Then address the behavior. A child who feels connected to you is far more responsive to correction than one who feels like they are being managed.
→ Repair is the most important skill. You will mess up. This is not optional. What is optional is what you do after. When you lose your patience, when you say the wrong thing, when you are short or harsh or distracted — come back. Say "I'm sorry I raised my voice. That wasn't fair to you." You are not losing authority. You are modeling accountability. That lesson is worth more than a thousand perfect parenting moments.
→ They watch everything. Not just what you say — what you do when you think no one is watching. How you speak to your partner. How you speak about yourself. How you handle frustration, disappointment, and failure. Your child is not listening to your lessons. They are absorbing your life. Who are you showing them it's possible to be?
→ Put the phone down. Not as a rule. As a gift. Five minutes of full, undivided attention — eye contact, present, unhurried — fills a child's tank in ways that hours of physical proximity while distracted cannot. Presence is not just being in the same room. It is being actually, genuinely there.
→ Ask yourself: Will this matter in five years? Most of it won't. The spilled cup, the forgotten homework, the meltdown in the grocery store — these are not the moments that define your child or your relationship. Let more things go. Save your energy for what actually matters. Not everything requires a response.
Be Your Best Self So They Can See What That Looks Like
Here is something that rarely gets said in parenting conversations:
You are not just raising a child. You are showing a child what a human being looks like. What love looks like. What it looks like to struggle and keep going, to be wrong and say so, to be tired and still choose kindness, to have a hard life and still build a beautiful one inside it.
Your child will one day be a partner, a friend, a parent. They will navigate conflict, loss, failure, and fear. The tools they use in those moments — they are learning them right now, from you.
That is not pressure. That is permission.
Permission to take care of yourself because your wellbeing is the environment your child grows in. Permission to invest in your own emotional health because it is, quite literally, part of their inheritance. Permission to model the behavior you want to see instead of demanding it — because children learn far more from what they witness than what they're told.
What does your best self look like? Not the idealized, never-stressed version. The real one. The version that pauses before responding. That apologizes with sincerity. That laughs easily, sets limits calmly, and loves loudly even when it's inconvenient.
That person is already in you. They just need space and intention to show up more often.
A Note for the Hard Days
Some days you will be patient and connected and everything you hoped to be. Some days you will fall short. Both are real. Both are allowed.
On the hard days — the days when the world is heavy and the noise is too loud and you have nothing left — come back to this:
What does my child need from me right now, in this moment?
Not your best performance. Not a perfect response. Just enough warmth to let them know they are safe. Just enough steadiness to keep the storm outside the relationship. Just enough presence to show them that no matter what is happening, you are still there.
That is good enough.
And good enough, as it turns out, is a profound and lasting gift.
The Books That Help You Show Up Better
No parent gets it right every time. But the right books — the ones grounded in real research and written with genuine compassion for how hard this actually is — can give you tools, language, and perspective that make the hard moments easier to navigate. These four are the ones I come back to most.
If you want to understand what is actually happening in your child's brain during the moments that test you most — the meltdowns, the defiance, the big emotions that seem completely disproportionate — The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson is the place to start. It translates cutting-edge neuroscience into language and strategies any parent can use, and it will fundamentally shift how you see your child's behavior.
If the section about your child being good inside, and behavior being communication, resonated with you, Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy puts that philosophy into full, practical, compassionate detail. It is one of the most talked-about parenting books among this generation of parents for a reason — it meets you where you are, without judgment, and gives you something real to work with.
If you want to go beyond managing behavior in the moment and start actively building the kind of mental strength that will carry your child through everything life throws at them, Raising Mentally Strong Kids by Dr. Daniel Amen is essential reading. Drawing on decades of brain research, Dr. Amen connects the dots between a child's brain health, emotional resilience, and long-term wellbeing in ways that are practical, research-backed, and immediately applicable at home.
And if the section on your own emotional regulation — on being your best self so your child can see what that looks like — felt important but unfinished, Raising Good Humans by Hunter Clarke-Fields closes that loop. It is specifically about how a parent's own mindfulness, self-awareness, and inner work shapes who their children become. Because the most powerful parenting tool you have is not a technique. It is you.
Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA is a Love Life Strategist, Life Coach, and behavioral psychology expert based in Scottsdale, AZ. She works with individuals, couples, and families to build healthier patterns and more connected lives. If you're ready to show up differently — for your children and for yourself — reach out to schedule your first session.
Keywords: good enough parenting, what children need from parents, how to stay calm with kids, conscious parenting, how to be a better parent, gentle parenting reminders, what kids want from their parents, calm parenting strategies, parenting without yelling, emotional regulation parenting, Winnicott good enough mother, mindful parenting, parenting guilt, how to be present with your kids, modeling behavior for children
